A Few Modest Proposals: New Health Crusades for the Post-Gazette to Champion

It is a damn dangerous world out there. And more dangerous all the time. Which is why I am so glad the editorial board at the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette has established a template for how to respond to all the perils. You know the template. Smoking bad for you? Ban it in restaurants. Food bad for you too? Expect the restaurants to tell you exactly how bad.

Feel safer? Me too. But don't get too comfortable. There is a lot of work to be done. Especially with that whole obesity thing. And we all know how the Post-Gazette feels about obesity.

Well, if you thought it was just sugary sodas and incomplete menus that were expanding the American waistline, you have another thing coming. Check out this report. It's from the World Health Organization, no less. So it has to be right. Right? Here's one little piece:

Among [the other possible causes of obesity]:

-- Giving up smoking: people who give up cigarettes very often gain weight.

-- Air conditioning, which establishes a comfortable temperature zone. In temperatures above this zone, people eat less. The rise in number of air-conditioned homes in the United States virtually mirrors the increase in the US obesity rate.

-- Fat people marry other fat people. These individuals may be genetically vulnerable to obesity, a trait that could handed on to their children.

So to help the Post-Gazette get active, I have devised a few public health plans in reaction to these revelations. You know, for the kids. And the waitresses and bartenders. Etc.

1. Mandate smoking in bars and restaurants. See, studies show that not smoking makes people fat. And obesity kills. So people have to smoke. A lot. Time for people to stop kissing the feet of Big Anti-Tobacco. (Sorry, Post-Gazette. But not really.)

2. Ban air conditioning in bars and restaurants. Studies show that cool temperatures lead to obesity. Obesity kills. Time for legislators to stop kissing the feet of Big Coolness.

3. Post police officers in bars to ban drunken hook-ups between two fat people. Studies show that fat people mating means fat kids. Obesity kills. Time for legislators to stop kissing the feet of Big Fat Drunk Guy.

Anybody who opposes these schemes is obviously in the pocket of lobbyists. Or people who refuse to address the hard science. Are you seriously prepared to say you know more about obesity than the WHO? Such people should be ashamed of themselves. The only people not to be ashamed are non-obese, non-smoking, highly educated people like me and the folks at the Post-Gazette.

Thank God for the rest of you dolts that we're around.

Now get the hell out of my way. I have a river guide to endanger. See, while we can't allow smoking in restaurants or countenance air conditioning, we think endangering river guides is "a reassuring sign that America hasn't entirely lost its daring."

God bless America!*

*This endorsement only applies to definitions of "America" previously endorsed by non-smoking, non-obese, highly educated elites. Thank you for complying.**

**Noncompliance will result in heavy fines and possible jail time. Especially for you fat smokers who hook up with other fat smokers in bars. Yuck.

Comments

[Amos the Poker Cat]

WOw. Dimple Rock. That was a PG editorial? It is amazing their head does not explode. Logical. Unemotion. Wow. How did that get past the Nanny thought Police?

Yet this is the logical decision, one more persuasive for having been arrived at after a lot of study. To change the rock in any way could invoke the law of unintended consequences, making the river more dangerous. Moreover, as perilous as the swirling currents are at that spot, the death toll isn't so startling when measured against the more than 2 million rafters who have navigated the river since the state park opened in 1970.

In our erstwhile home of the brave, there's an urge to flatten every bump, to put a pillow around every tree and to generally make life as risk-free as possible. That Dimple Rock will be left alone, that a wild river will be allowed its bit of wildness, is a reassuring sign that America hasn't entirely lost its daring.

Sounds almost like stuff you have written Sam!?! Brought a tear to my eye. Wait. Just a stray whisker. Never mind.

Maybe I know why the change of tone for rapids verus smoking. This editorial writer is either a fan of whitewater, has some financial stake, or a relative or friend. Classic NIMBY. Now make the PG editorial board invest their 401K in working bar.

Padded trees.

Ha!