I didn't think it was possible for anyone to outdo the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette when it comes to hyperventilating about second-hand smoke. But I was wrong.
Check out this disgusting series from the Baltimore Sun. And I don't say "disgusting" lightly. It is so egregiously arrogant and elitist that I cannot come up with a different way to describe it. So here goes:
On July 2, the Sun ran an editorial childishly headlined, "Hurry Up, Please." Predictably, it regurgitates more nonsense about the surgeon general's recent report about secondhand smoke and calls for an immediate ban on smoking in bars:
Last week, the U.S. surgeon general issued a very heavy report with a very simple theme: Secondhand smoke makes you ill, no matter what level you're talking about. It's bad for the people who go to bars where smoking is allowed, and it's especially bad for the people who work in those bars.
I might point out that the report never said anything even close to "secondhand smoke makes you ill, no matter what level you're talking about." But it is clear that editors at the Sun and the Post-Gazette don't have time for qualms about accuracy.
The truly egregious moment came on July 3 when the ostensibly anti-smoking zealots at the Sun ran this article, titled, "Feeling the Pull of the Pipe: At the Mirage Cafe and Grill, gathering around the hookah lends an exotic flavor to evenings out in Frederick."
The story goes on and on and on, talking about how hip and cool it is to suck on tobacco smoke from a hookah. The language drips (smolders?) with a sense of approval that borders on endorsing the pastime:
"... With the sound system thumping Middle Eastern rhythms, you have to lean in to hear the subtle voice of the hookah water bowl bubbling the cadence of human breathing."
"...Josh Heath says that after his week working at Best Buy, these surroundings are often just what he needs. 'It's definitely a different atmosphere," says Heath. "It definitely relaxes you.'"
"...The scene suggests an update of those 19th-century paintings showing bearded men in turbans lounging with their teacups and hookahs amid the arches and carpets of some Ottoman Empire cafe.
The key word is 'lounging.' Centuries after tobacco became a rage in the Middle East, the shisha, codger that it is, sticks to its slow ways. Forget stepping out to the parking garage for a quick hookah break. That would hardly leave time for the ceremony: packing the tobacco bowl, gently setting the glowing disk of charcoal on the screen that sits atop the tobacco, the first puff, the gurgling bowl."
It goes on and on. Sure, there is sentence or two about health hazards. But not until hookah enthusiasts get to push their claim that water-filtering renders the smoke less harmful.
All in all, I think this is par for the course for ban proponents. Some people really are focused on the health hazards. And good for them. But for many others this is all about culture and control. Namely, it is about forcing all the world's fat, disgusting slobs to make the world more acceptable for newspaper editors.
Unless you're talking about hookah smoke. Hell, we'll put a snappy write-up in the paper for those people! See? They're what the kids call "hip." Oh yes, to be hip is a glorious thing that you stinky Marlboro smokers will never understand.
Well, guess what? Take a look at all those cultural markers in the Sun story about hookahs. Change a few words around. Turn "thumping Middle Eastern rhythms" into "the twang of American Southern Rock."
Turn "men in turban lounging with their teacups and hookahs" to "men in work boots and flannels with their beer bottles and cigarettes."
Turn "the key word is 'lounging'" into "the keyword is 'bullshitting.'"
Then consider: By banning hookahs, you are robbing a certain group of people of their culture.
And dammit, you are doing the same thing when you ban cigarettes.
Not every place needs to be a hookah bar. Just like not every place needs to be a saloon. But in what asshole's world should it be illegal for there to be ANY of these places?
I don't think the hookah people have as much to worry about, because elitist, arrogant gatekeepers like the people who run the Baltimore Sun still seem quite enamored of the oh-so-exotic hookah.
Too bad for working-class folks who smoke cigarettes that their "vice" doesn't get the same respect.
Oh, and I am not the only one taking the Sun to task for publishing these two stories so close together. Check out these letters. (Scroll down.) My favorite part:
Shame on The Sun for adding yet another element of glamour to tobacco smoking in your very attractive, beautifully illustrated article about the Mirage Cafe & Grill and the use of the hookah ("Feeling the pull of the pipe," July 3).
Hidden deep within the text of the article were a few words about the dangers of smoking and nicotine. But the story's message was quite clear - that communal smoking is a relaxing, almost sensual group activity.
However, this is still about smoking, which is a habit-forming, potentially health-destroying habit, no matter how it is done.
At least this line of thinking is consistent. And it takes the smoking ban to its next logical step. That is:
1. I don't like smoking. So I won't smoke.
2. Wait. I don't like it when other people smoke, either. They obviously make bad choices. They need my help. (Poor, fatso underclass!) So I will ban smoking.
3. Oh my God! What if people continue to talk about the pleasures of smoking? I will berate them when they do.
4. (Next) I don't like people talking about the pleasure of smoking. And what do I do when I don't like something? Yes. I help those people. I ban it.
Please report to the political reeducation center.